For every mother and father
Dear reader,
For every mother and father, for every person trying to change the world through the brokenness of the foster system, but most of all, for every hurting child, I write for you. Adopted at the age of eleven from a system that can only be described as a product of a broken world, I remember things I rather forget - for you.
I not only remember what it was like to be in the orbit of the foster system, but I carry it with me every day. Educated, functional, married, and currently a graduate student, I still wake up some days staring down the barrel of a life touched by the blazing uncertainty that the foster care system is. Remembering is not only hard, sometimes it’s unbearable. For most of my life, I refused to think about those days. I did not have a particularly traumatic experience in the system, I only had one foster family, but I had nowhere to sort out the trauma from being separated, never wanted, from my biological mother. It was all too painful. Besides, I had a little sister I needed to be a good example for, so I chose to forget. It was not until college that I realized what a disservice I was doing by forgetting, and so I dedicated myself to remembering through a program called Persevere Until Success Happens, (PUSH) an organization of former foster care youth dedicated to helping current foster youth in the pursuit of higher education.
I have found a lot of healing by recalling the struggles I faced in order to help others facing or sympathizing with similar hardships. Yet, whether I chose to think of those days, or continued to try to run from them, it still affects me. I don’t have a choice, and I never have, and neither do those children we all want to help.
But you do have a choice.
That is why you are meeting these words today.
You always have, and you always will, and I applaud you for not looking away from those, who like me, were brought into this world only to face a life without those who gave it to them. I know there is science behind what early adverse experiences will do to the development of a child, but there is no explanation that will educate you more than looking into the eyes of a child who’s only hope is you. (Still, please, please, please, look up the affects of early adverse experiences on the minds of children. Please.)
In my time in foster care advocacy, I have been asked more times than I can count what is important to know before fostering – I can only speak from my experience. I was officially adopted at the age of 11 alongside my younger sister, to a family that stood by me and stubbornly loved me, despite my uncanny skill for hurting them with careless words. There were good times, but I think there were more hard times than good for many years. I was in so much pain, and I did not even realize it most of the time. I believe we suffered well together, but to this day, I truly believe my parents did not realize what they were getting themselves into when they adopted my sister and I. I think of the things I wish they would have known, and this is what I was able to come up with:
Please heal from your pain before you seek out anyone else’s. Do the hard work that is internal exploration, find your spiritual foundation, and find a professional to help you + yours to navigate the new world you will create when you bring a new life into your own. You will have questions, you will experience hard moments you cannot deal with on your own, and it will bring out a vulnerability that can be painful. It will be worth it in the end, but please. Humble yourself enough to realize that if you are considering fostering, your child needs your mental health to be in the best possible shape. Have a plan of action when/if it begins to go south.
Establish a support system. Many people have children, but not everyone has foster children – and I wish my parents had known others in our small town that had gone through the process of fostering. It is such a unique journey, and with social media, there really is no excuse to not have a place (even if it’s just online) where you can go to share your unique highs and lows. If possible, make sure this support system includes a babysitter pre-approved and background checked for nights to yourself.
Language is important to a child. For the love of all things holy, please censor the language you and those around you use when talking about your foster child. I cannot express the damage it did to my confused psyche when someone told me how “lucky” I was to be rescued from the chaos that my biological family was. Lucky? Really? I had every reason to feel blessed, but all I felt was… alone. It created resentment within my heart that I had no idea what to do with. Furthermore, ask your foster child what they are most comfortable being introduced as. My now-adopted mother and father always introduced me as their daughter, and it gave me a lot of security. Finally, have an extended family meeting about the language you will allow and not allow around your foster children. I can recall a lot of unintentional harm done by verbally not being recognized as “real” family by well-meaning family members. I think this could be one of the most important points I can think of. Words matter.
Recognize what is yours to heal and what is not. I might have covered this in the first point, but it’s worth reiterating. One of the worst things you can do for your family and yourself is underestimate the importance of mental health. There are serious realms where even the best parent must seek professional help, and then there are realms where a simple affectionate touch and persistence will change a life. Seek to learn the difference, and ask, shout, beg for help when you cannot. There is grace for those who try. Foster care breaks many things within a child, but I believe there is always, always hope and help for those who value the importance of both.
Establish a firm spiritual foundation. Finally, I believe a great deal in God’s supernatural comfort for those who are in this realm. He is the Father to the Fatherless, the Prince of Peace. You will need His supernatural grace, comfort, and intervention. Build all you do from this foundation, and if your child expresses discomfort with it, model it instead. My dad was an associate pastor who never forced his faith upon me when I did not want to hear of it. Instead, my mother and father modeled the Love they believed in the best they could, and I had no choice but to long for the source of it, even when I moved out of their home.
As a foster youth alumni, this is my advice to you, prospective parents. I am wildly cheering for you because you are a world-changer, a light-bringer, a brave heart. I sit here over a fresh cup of coffee thinking about my future children and the way their lives have been altered… and generations to come. All because someone cared. All because someone was willing. Not perfect, not anywhere close, but willing. Brave.
For those who have a choice, I can only attest to what my parents have done for me and my children and theirs.
For those who do not have a choice, I write, I remember, I pray, and I thank God every day that because of people like you, I have been given an inheritance of choices I will proudly pass down to my future foster children.
Yours,
Maryssa Vasquez Pederson
P.S. if you are interested in fostering/adopting a sibling group, I have a lot more “tips” to share with you. Please do not hesitate to reach out to me!
